You might be a solicitor if ……

  • You are charging someone for reading these jokes.
  • You believe that a sentence forty words long is a short one.
  • You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
  • You can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it’s verbal or written.
  • Your other car is also a Porsche.
  • When you look in a mirror, you see a Solicitor.


Some true questions asked by lawyers in the Courtroom


Q. Now, Mrs Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q.And by whose death was it terminated?


Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.


Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All of my autopsies have been performed on dead people.


Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Okay? What school do you go to?
A. Oral
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.


Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.


Q. What can you tell me about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that sonofabitch, and she did!
Q. Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A. I don’t drink when I’m duty, unless I come on duty drunk.


Q. Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.

Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Q. How old is your son- the one living with you?
A. Thirty eight or thirty five, I can’t remember which.
Q. How long has he lived with you?
A. Forty five years.


Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A. He said, ‘‘Where am I, Cathy?’’
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.


Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there any girls?


Q. Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A. No.
Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.